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Event Horizon

The rantings of a maniac with time to kill....

1/23/12 08:59 am

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2/7/10 09:33 pm - Splinter In My Mind

"You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad." -- The Matrix

Writing the following essay was way more difficult that it should have been. The process made me so anxious that I felt like vomiting. At times, I felt that I was actively suppressing my urge to upchuck. At the end, I was emotionally drained and a mental wreck. This whole thing shouldn't have uncentered me so. It's not even a remotely reasonable response. During the writing, it felt very much like I was unsuccessfully trying to dig out a deeply buried splinter with nothing but my fingers and a dull pocket knife. When you find a memory with emotions that so completely dwarf the memory itself, then you know must be large beasts moving just below the surface of your mind.

~~~~~~~~

In order to grow, you must face your fears and little bits of self-hatred head-on. Through whatever method, you must come to a point of indifference about them or be forever limited by them. Certain memories cause me to cringe, flinch, feel embarrassed, panic and generally be shameful about who I am as a person. Chasing after them and exposing them to the light of my conscious mind is the only way I know of to figure out what can be done about them. Generally this is a difficult but straightforward task. The memory has usually either distorted or degraded by time or was experienced by a person who no longer exists and thus say nothing the person I am today. However, one memory does not admit analysis...

Before we begin, you need a little context. During my freshman year in High School I played varsity basketball. Skill had nothing to do with making the varsity team. We were just such a small school that we needed everyone we could get just to field a team. Our coach was a complete asshole and moreover, he hated me with a passion. He resented that he had to play this complete nerd who started out barely being able to catch a basketball or even dribble.

I have a very strong visceral memory of confronting him in his office after a one particular game. During half-time he had thrown things around the locker room and used an pointless amount of profanity to tell us just how worthless he considered us. At one point, he even jumped up and down, bright red from anger, like he was trying to not only kill some imaginary object on the ground, but thoroughly flatten it. Afterwords I went into his office, sat down in the chair across the desk from him and started to choke back tears. The tears weren't a response to any emotional blow he had dealt me. I was terrified of that man. Fighting through it all, I told him that we deserved more respect, explained in detail how it demoralized the team and described the manner in which the tirade had led us to lose respect for him. While I have no recollection of how he responded to me, I do remember the intense anger in his eyes as he sat in his chair, posed in a way that suggested he wasn't even listening and that instead might be imagining the horrible things he wanted to happen to me.

This is a memory I should be proud of, right? Instead I feel incredible shame any time it enters my mind. Worst of all, I have *no* clue why.

Some memories morph over time until they barely qualify as a memory at all. Sometimes they lose information about the actual sensations you felt during the moment and just become an arrangement of objects and actions recalled viewed in the third-person. Sometimes the memories lose all connection to the actual event and instead are just the rote memorization of what you would say if you were telling a story about the event. This one is neither of those. Direct and visceral recollections of raw sensations permeate it and everything is in the first person. It is intense. It is solid. It is saturated with emotion.

Why don't we compare it to a very similar event that actually evokes pride whenever I recall it?

The team was running a drill in practice and everyone but me improperly every time they did it. We repeated it a large number of times, and I performed it flawlessly each time. While coach was definitely mad, he wasn't anywhere near his breaking point. Then, after performing it correctly so many times, I screwed it up. I made exactly the mistake everyone else had made. Coach turned bright red, threw his clipboard to the ground and got two inches from my face as he yelled and barked. I don't recall what he said because I tuned him out and felt the grey woosh of complete disregard for what one is hearing. Besides, it wasn't important what he said. His message was clear. His hot breath dampened my face and my ears rung when he was done yelling. When I knew he had completed his tirade, I pulled my jersey off with one hand and folded it neatly. I dropped my shorts, stepping out of them when they came to rest around my ankles. I picked them up with my foot, grabbed them and folded them as well. I looked coach in the eye and said "You don't get to treat me like that," as I handed him my uniform. In nothing more than a pair of underwear, a pair of socks and a pair of shoes, I strode back to the locker room, dressed and went home. Though I did not cry, I was just as terrified of this man as I was before. Walking back I cringed at all the possible, but previously unconsidered consequences of my actions. I had just quit the team and all the cheerleaders had seen me in my jockey shorts. That would have crushed nearly any teenager, but I held my head high and walked confidently until I was well out of sight. When you do something like that you had best do it all the way or not at all.

I am intensely proud of this memory. It's just as direct as the other, is recalled completely in the first person and involves the same sort of actions and situations. Why, then, does it inspire a completely different emotion in me? What's the difference? What's going on? How can I find the correct interpretations of these memories?

This matters to me. Were these memories to have become one of the shadow memories I discussed earlier, I would be able to just discard it. I don't trust those memories. Though they're often useful for entertaining friends, they do not serve to define any portion of who I am. These memories are definitely important parts of the story I tell to explain how I became who I am today. Until I figure out what role the shame plays in the first memory, I think I'll be stuck in some emotional limbo, constantly churning.

P.S.

I think the reason I didn't cry the second time around is that the event wasn't premeditated. I had no time to consider horrible outcomes. It was lived in the moment.

I can't recall what the outcome of having quit the team, nor do my parents. I do know that I continued to play and that the other kids still didn't respect me. I don't think I would have played unless the coach had asked me to come back in person... but that's only a guess. Strangely, my teammates didn't start respecting me until, with more precise execution than I ever mustered in a basketball game, I scored a basket for the other team... but that's a completely different story.

1/5/10 04:51 am

I should pay more attention to livejournal. I've been mostly on facebook.

7/9/09 07:53 am

Well, more than 48 hours of no smoking. I think the grumpiness has peaked. The minor visual hallucinations have come and gone. (e.g. scintillating surfaces, text floating a bit above the paper, patterns on surfaces which have no pattern, etc.) The fog has either mostly lifted, or I've just gotten better at being stupid. I still feel stiff in the muscles and doubt I'll be sleeping anytime soon. The shakes persist, but my medications often give me the shakes anyways, so I don't know how much is caused by withdrawal.

This time around, the desperation that normally characterizes this period of withdrawal seems to be missing. For sure, this is annoying and sometimes frustrating, but not painful nor really compelling. This time around quitting has seemed like a return to the natural state, settling into it rather than having to warp myself and my world to build a new habit.

I let a friend down by procrastinating and missing registration for a particular event she wanted to attend with me. I hope I've managed to find a work-around, but that remains to be seen. This is just another mark in a long string of personal faults I've been trying root out and learn to cope with. The line between self-criticism and self-denigration can often be thin and fuzzy, and lately I'm often unsure of which side I'm walking on. Who knows why we do the things we do? I have no clue why I avoid simple tasks or choose certain actions knowing that my choice will never bring me anything I want and will probably take valuable things from me. My understanding of myself has been changing radically lately. Maybe I'll go into it in some other post, but right now, I just want to go home, lay down and tune out the world.

7/8/09 07:09 am

I //finally// quit smoking again and now I have a serious case of the stupids. Wait... What were we talking about again?

7/6/09 07:04 am

My head's still reeling from all the emotional intensity of this weekend. Between the liquor, the following hypnogogic hallucinations, and the feverish delerium of the flu-bug I came down with, I haven't had time to sort it all out.

7/3/09 11:49 am - Siempre Me Quedará (I Will Always Keep)

For various reasons, I've been more-or-less obsessed with this song and its video for about 6 months now. The water theme and way that the video plays with your sense of direction really appeal to me. Bebe's written some of my favorite songs, but this one definitely sits in my pantheon of songs I will always keep returning to.

Here's a craptastic translation of the song that I did... There's probably a whole lot wrong with it, but you'll get enough to understand the song (or at least, understand what I think the song says.)

Siempre Me QuedaráCollapse )

6/29/09 06:39 am - The social spiderweb...

There are too many social networks these days.

Here's all the ways that you can claim my friendship:

http://speaker4thedead.livejournal.com/profile
http://www.facebook.com/nutmegmagi
http://www.myspace.com/nutmegmagi
http://twitter.com/nutmegmagi
sam.walters@gmail.com
nutmegmagi on AIM
19405775 on ICQ
speaker4thedead_2000 on YIM
nutmegmagi@hotmail.com on MSN Messenger.

6/15/09 09:13 am

So... What kind of social events are going on in Orlando or Tampa for this and next weekend?

6/11/09 03:30 am - Cresc... or not.

The best part about this are the directions, such as "gradually become agitated," "insert peanuts" and "slap thigh..."

For whatever reason, thee image tag decided to stop working...
Here's is a direct link, which still seems to work.

6/3/09 11:26 pm

Last night I had a really vivid and intense dream in which I was an undercover agent working very hard to expose a sinister plot to give puppies to orphans.

Then I woke up and realized that plot's not exactly sinister.

12/12/08 02:06 am - Puts things in perspective.

Stolen from darkcrispy

12/7/08 12:11 am - Untying the bonds...

I've managed to pare down my belongings quite a bit, and there's still some left to do. At this point, I'm pretty sure I could fit it all I own into my van. This feeling is both liberating and terrifying.

9/29/08 03:31 am - La persistencia de la memoria...

Now I think I know why "The Persistence of Memory" is a good name for most any surrealistic work of art. Whenever I go back to Tallahassee, I am confronted by a dizzying maze of memories that warp my ability to see what's in front of me. I have difficulty seeing what is because of what once was.

.

One of my jobs, when done correctly, leaves me with copious amounts of time which is more-or-less mine to do with as I please. (I can't choose the attire or venue, but beyond that, it's all mine.) I had been using some of this time for your standard runner's stretches and a little calisthenics. I decided that yoga might be a way to work on my flexibility a little better. Now, I thought I had a healthy respect for yoga. I know it's, as a general rule, not particularly easy. I picked out two uncomplicated and short routines... no oddball balancing acts, no bizarre contortions and no supporting myself at screwy angles. Each position seemed pretty straight-forward.

The first read-through kicked my butt. All I was trying to do was get into and out of each position of the shorter routine, with a short rest between each one and I ended up sweaty, out of breath and weak from what I did. I think I'm hooked.

That was about a week, maybe a week and a half ago. After swapping between the two routines each day, I've made eerie gains in flexibility while the routines have become a lot more solid. They're definitely going to remain physically demanding for a while. And, if they don't, well then it's not like I don't have more difficult routines to move on to.

9/26/08 03:24 pm

I'm in tally now and I've been up for over 24 hours. I have time for a nap, but have only been able to fall asleep for a moment. During that moment, I dreamt that I went to a mexican food restaurant. When the waitress handed me a menu, I didn't open it, but instead asked her where she had grown up. She said she had grown up in Mexico. I asked her what her favorite food was, and she told me. I can't recall what she told me, but I asked if it was served at her restaurant. When she answered yes, I handed her the menu and said "Then that's what I'll have." I woke up before more happened.

I'm too tired to decide if that whole sequence makes a bizarre sort of sense, or if it's just bizarre.

9/21/08 11:47 pm - sick of myself...

"Sick of myself..." That's the only real way I can think of to describe it. I'm sick of my habits. I'm sick of my routine. I'm sick of all the stuff I own and how it just seems to get in the way. I'm sick, and I'm angry. So much of me definitely wants to tear it all down, pile it in the center of the room, drench it in lighter fluid and spit in it while it all burns. This isn't the first time I've felt this way. It comes around every now and again and isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know it will pass, and I'm generally better for having endured it.

Relatively speaking, my life is going well. I'm fairly successful right now... or at least I'm back on the track to being successful again. I stopped running a couple months back and I was smoking for about 2 or 3 weeks recently. I quit again and started running again. My pace is pathetic compared to what it used to be. I'm giving myself a reprieve on that. I normally take meticulous statistics on my runs. I'm not doing that for another week-and-a-half. I know myself well enough to know how I would treat myself if I could see how far I am from where I was. During that time, I put a lot of weight back on. Hopefully it'll be gone again soon.

I'm back in school and I'm dedicating most of my free time to studying. Because I'm studying a language, that means constant drilling and leaves my brain feeling pretty mushy at the end of a day. I want a solid A and I haven't wanted something so badly in a very long time.

My laptop, and only computer, died a few weeks back. It decided to commit suicide by taking a flying leap off of a table. Of course, it had a little help from it's power cord, which had decided to wrap itself around my foot. The new one arrives in about 2 weeks, hopefully a little less. A significant part of me actually doesn't want it to arrive. I don't want the distraction.

I'm going up to Tallahassee this weekend. Hopefully that will help some. I don't think I'm going to have the time or money to make it out for a couple of months. Last time I went to Orlando, a couple of my friends cried when I had to leave. That was rough.

Well, back to scrambling my brains with spanish flash cards. I figured out how to take the thing I struggle most with and turn into a flash card drill that really hammers it. When I've done a couple of rounds of it, I feel like I've been hit upside the head with a bat.

7/16/08 04:32 am - MetroCon Anyone?

I'm thinking about going to MetroCon this Saturday and then maybe hitting the Castle afterwards.

Any

5/26/08 04:05 am

Well.

That ended poorly for everyone involved.

4/22/08 11:15 am - hundiendo en un mar de mensajes electrónicos

I am exhausted and drowning in emails.

If I haven't responded to you, don't take it personally. I'm working on it.

4/22/08 04:27 am - Read this, or you will burn in Hell.

Okay, so I'm not so sure about the whole "Hell" thing. It seems a bit iffy to me. However, it has been pointed out elsewhere that each and every one of you, no matter your religious affiliation, is in desperate need of some good Karma. (Or pan-dimensional brownie points or whatever you've decided to call it.)

Lately I've been seeing a lot of posts and bulletins and such about how you can help a guy with cancer pay for his surgery. Now, like most of you, I don't recognize the dude, but if he's anything like the friends of mine who know him, then he must be one cool cat. For those who don't know him, this photo provides strong, if somewhat disturbing, evidence of exactly how cool he can be. So don't miss this opportunity to earn those tickets for the prize booth at that big arcade in the sky. Do it before you accidentally step in the path of a moving bus and come back as a slug.

If you're still not convinced, you atheist bastard, you... then just think of the look on your friend's faces when they're told that their buddy will be able to get the surgery he needs. It's gonna be even better than the look a game-show contestant gets when they're told they get to take home the million dollars instead of the goat. Cause, trust me on this, figuring out how to pay for your friend's surgery is a whole lot worse than trying to figure out what you're going to do with a goat when you get home.

And if even that's not enough to convince a heartless asshole like yourself to cough up a couple of bucks, then I'm sure that there's going to be a mind-bogglingly big party once the doctors label Lucas as healthy. You won't want to miss that party with all the booze and dancing and wild women (or wild men, as your tastes may run.) Think of this as buying party insurance. Sure, you might get invited anyways and you could probably just crash the party, but why take the risk? It's just not worth it.

With all those reasons to help out a classy chap like Lucas, well... then... If you don't donate something, then I'm not sure I can think well of you anymore.

4/14/08 05:08 am - The Man Wants Me To Cut My Hair! (Seriously!)

And... Okay... It's not a man, but rather a woman. She is my boss's boss's boss, and she's suddenly decided that the corporate dress code should be enforced exactly. That means my hair, when worn down, is supposed to be at least one inch over the collar. So, I'm looking for a new job. Really, I haven't made my decision yet. I have until April 30th to comply, but I don't want to be caught flatfooted in any job hunt. I need to at least make an honest and serious consideration of both options in order to have some faith in my final decision. I've been looking at shorter hairstyles for men with curly hair and so far they all get the thumbs down.

I'm also going to fight the pronouncement. My plan right now is to right a letter to this woman (very politely) asking for an explanation of her reasoning, "since understanding why I'm being asked to cut my hair might help me to make my decision." I find it hard to defend the idea that a neatly trimmed, well cared for pony tail is considered unprofessional in this day and age. I'm going to try to find out if any major companies allow, at the very least, pony tails on men if not straight-up long hair. I also plan to look for examples of passages in dress codes that allow for long hair, but also clearly define criteria that ensure it is well-maintained.

Decisions...
Decisions...
Decisions...

They'll be the death of me.

4/5/08 03:59 pm - From Tallahassee, to the Castle to Orlando...

I went up to Tallahassee last weekend. I didn't announce it because I was having enough trouble fitting in the people who had been calling me up and begging me to go visit. It was good to see old friends. I remembered some of the things I miss about Tallahassee and many of the reasons I don't want to go back.

I wanna make a trip out to Orlando and another up to Tallahassee, but... damn... it's expensive. It was about $100 just for gas on this trip. Still, it had been far too long.

I've been feeling a bit lonely and trapped out here in the boondocks. I work two jobs, which means I work all the time. It feels like I'm wasting time and you can't waste time without wasting your own existence.

I need to save up some money. Maybe I'll feel better once I start classes this summer. It'll be good to be back in school, even if it is only taking spanglish... It's taking care of some unfinished business.I went up to Tallahassee last weekend. I didn't announce it because I was having enough trouble fitting in the people who had been calling me up and begging me to go visit. Tonight I'm going to the Castle.

I wanna make a trip out to Orlando and another up to Tallahassee, but... damn... it's expensive.

I've been feeling a bit lonely and trapped out here in the boondocks. I work two jobs, which means I work all the time. It feels like I'm wasting time and you can't waste time without wasting your own existence.

I need to save up some money. Maybe I'll feel better once I start classes this summer. It'll be good to be back in school, even if it is only taking spanglish... It's taking care of some unfinished business.

So, I'm going up to the Castle, drink myself silly, make an ass of myself and see how I feel afterwards.

Hope to see you there!

4/1/08 04:16 am - man, talk to me here!!!

I work some long, lonely nights.

Add me to your friends list.
Talk to me!

sam.walters@gmail.com for email or google messenger
nutmegmagi on AIM
19405775 on ICQ
speaker4thedead_2000 on YIM
nutmegmagi@hotmail.com on MSN Messenger.

(pretty please with sugar on top)

3/23/08 06:58 am - Remember...

The bible tells us that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave three days later. We celebrate easter to remind ourselves that Jesus was a zombie. Happy Zombie Jesus Day.

3/13/08 10:53 am - My mood needs improving...

I need copious amounts of liquor, an endless supply of good music and extended bouts of dancing. Good friend are a definite plus and women of dubious morals would probably also improve my demeanor.

3/13/08 12:40 am - To The Castle!

I'm going to the Castle this Saturday.

You should join me.
Otherwise weasels might run up your pant legs.
Don't ask me why... They just might.

1/4/08 12:33 pm

A very merry birthday to angel_akki!!!!

9/9/07 01:07 pm - As if you had any doubt...


NerdTests.com says I'm a Cool Nerd God.  What are you?  Click here!

7/22/07 04:17 pm - We apologize for any inconvenience...

I keep trying to write an entry to let you catch back up on my life, but I can't seem to come up with anything but crap. Since I want you to think of me as having a creativity and a sly wit, I won't post crap.

That's why this entry lacks any worthwhile content.

7/16/07 07:43 pm - What happened to my journal?

If you're looking for the public entries that used to be here... well... I decided to turn them all private untill I can sort through them.

See, I recently interviewed for a position at Google. They found me through my LJ. Now, there's nothing really that bad there, but it made me realize that I wasn't sure what insanity I had slopped on these pages over the years. I'm going to have to sort through it and make sure it's all PG-13... or at least R. The NC-17 stuff just has to go... So does the baby sacrifice... And squirrel worship... No more worshiping of undead squirrels... At least not in public...

12/4/06 10:07 pm - Mr.-Sensitive-Pony-Tail is once again on the prowl.

Weird...

I'm single again.

I hadn't expected *that* tonight.

At least it was friendly and mutual. It's really a pity. She and I are damn good for each other and make each other very happy. We just can't see how we'd fit into each other's lives in the long-term. In order to stay together more than a year or two, one of us would have to compromise on something major in our plans for life.

She was the one who made the decision. I had been thinking about it, but hadn't yet come to any conclusions. So, I'm not as upset as I could have been. I'm a bit shocked and uncomfortable with the feeling of complete independence, but I'm positive.

Hmmm....

It too often seems that I'm most graceful when I am losing what matters most.

~

p.s. Thanks to all the people who responded to my last post. I haven't been able to respond since I've been pretty damn ill over the last week. I'm hoping to be less out of touch with society.

Oh, and is there anything going on this weekend? I could use some R&R.

11/21/06 10:33 pm

Hello.

6/8/06 12:55 pm - Hay monos en mi cara?

No, I have not forgotten you.

4/16/06 04:07 am

meh

4/12/06 02:29 pm

For the past two days, I've felt flat and unmotivated. This is in direct contradiction to how I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks. That asks a chicken-and-the-egg question; Am I unmotivated because I'm feeling flat or am I feeling flat because I'm unmotivated?

4/9/06 06:56 pm

I've been downloading mp3's of a lot of my old synthpop/industrial favorites and I now realize that there aren't any new bands that I can say I like.

So tell me, what new bands and music are you listening to?

4/7/06 11:55 am

I'm exhausted, but happy.

That's right; I said "happy." And I don't mean "happy for the moment." I mean "been happy for a while." That's a new thing for me. I don't even care that I've been single for so long. I was thinking about that today and realized that I would not only have the time for a girlfriend, but I don't really care to have one. I mean, besides a steady supply of nookie, I can't really think of anything that I would get out of a relationship that I don't already have. I'm already emotionally content, so I feel like chasing skirts would just be a waste of my time and energy.

I had been stagnant for so long. I'm glad I finally got ahold of some existential Drano. Now the pipes are clean and everything's flowing well.

Well, time to crash and I will crash hard

4/6/06 04:30 am - umm... wtf???

Yesterday my Dad's unemployment benefits ran out.

Today he got a job as a used car salesman.

Anyone who knows my Dad will join me in a big WTF?

~

I'm about to start brushing up my resume and then begin an aggressive job search. Please take at least a glance at it and let me know if you see anything you think I should do differently.

~

Yep. I've been absent from life, and probably will be again this weekend. If I do anything it will be on Sunday. Probably not even then since I've had such a long week. Sorry if I should have answered an email you sent me or respond to one of your lj responses. I've been really focused on moving my life forward. You know what? This time it's working. Aw hell yeah!

4/1/06 07:06 am

Alice came to a fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

3/31/06 11:10 pm - Stuart, I like you Stewart...

It's the queers. They're in it with the aliens. They're building landing strips for gay martians. I swear to God!

3/26/06 10:59 am - It's not my usual thing...

I don't usually post quiz results, but I like these:

You scored as Industrialist. .

</td>

Industrialist

90%

Bondage Freak

85%

Synthpop Devoteé

85%

Old School Punk

80%

Elder Goth

70%

Mope Rocker

70%

New School Punk

55%

Neo Goth

55%

Kindergoth

45%

Emo Kid

30%

Which counterculture do you fit in with?
created with QuizFarm.com

3/26/06 10:43 am

Guy Fawkes?

Guy Fawkes.

Guy Fawkes!

Every time I thought I had that movie figured out, I was wrong, but then I was right... except I thought I was wrong.


Again...

3/23/06 04:04 pm

Only when it is dark enough are we able to see the stars.
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